walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
