I wish I could teleport
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
