The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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