Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
