so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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