And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
