im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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