Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
