seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
