I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
