One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
