I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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