I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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