My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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