I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
