literally had 100 drinks last night.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
