Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
