Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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