He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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