I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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