I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Michael Bay diarrhea
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
