Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
