Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
