Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
