i would punch a child for taco bell
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize