I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
