Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
