I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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