remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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