I think my fart just growled at me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
