is your mom at the bar?
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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