I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
