I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
