She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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