all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
