Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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