I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
