please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just want to make out with him forever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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