I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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