are you still at the devil's house?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
