did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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