Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
