I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
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I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"