There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.