woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Quick, to the slutcave!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
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People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
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But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt