I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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