i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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