some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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