I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
