Porn is love you can see.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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