we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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