I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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