did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
