i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
