If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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