Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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