he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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