i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
