I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
