rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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